Of all the topics I wanted to
write about, this specific one has been lingering in my mind for the longest
time. Mainly because though these are just spoken words, simple comments would
deeply hurt the most.
I've summed up these comments
into a list of questions and phrases that people should never say to a married
couple who have been struggling to have their own child:
1. "Wala pa?" (Still
nothing?), or "Ano balita?" (Any news?)
This I guess would be the most common phrase or questions people would ask especially on a gathering, be it a birthday party, child's christening, Christmas, New Year, and any family occasion. Please understand that though your questions might not imply anything, for us who are struggling with infertility, this automatically means, "What's taking you so long?", or "Is there a problem between the two of you?", and other negative impact on us. We'd rather you keep quiet and just keep to yourselves whatever questions you have in mind.
This I guess would be the most common phrase or questions people would ask especially on a gathering, be it a birthday party, child's christening, Christmas, New Year, and any family occasion. Please understand that though your questions might not imply anything, for us who are struggling with infertility, this automatically means, "What's taking you so long?", or "Is there a problem between the two of you?", and other negative impact on us. We'd rather you keep quiet and just keep to yourselves whatever questions you have in mind.
2. "Wag mo na lng isipin,
dadating din yan." (Don't think about it, it will just come)
For a married couple especially one who have been married for more than 10 years, it's impossible to not think about it and pretend that it will just come. Believe me, I've done this strategy several times, but all of those times I failed. Everywhere you go there are families with their children, especially those cute cuddly ones, in malls, advertisements, TV, even when you're doing your regular check up with your OB-Gyn, you'll still see them. We just nod and say "yes" or "ok" to this question, but nothing can simply erase that longing that every normal married couple has. It is a part of human life. It's one of the reasons I got married in the first place, to raise a family of my own.
For a married couple especially one who have been married for more than 10 years, it's impossible to not think about it and pretend that it will just come. Believe me, I've done this strategy several times, but all of those times I failed. Everywhere you go there are families with their children, especially those cute cuddly ones, in malls, advertisements, TV, even when you're doing your regular check up with your OB-Gyn, you'll still see them. We just nod and say "yes" or "ok" to this question, but nothing can simply erase that longing that every normal married couple has. It is a part of human life. It's one of the reasons I got married in the first place, to raise a family of my own.
3. "Bakit di muna kayo mag
bakasyon, para ma relax kayo, baka stressed lang kayo" (Why don't you have
a vacation first, so that you can relax. Maybe you're just stressed)
If you've known us for a long time, especially since our marriage, don't you think we've had several relaxing vacations already? How many vacations do you think we need just to be able to completely rest and conceive a baby? Maybe if we've got millions of money and can have a vacation any time we want, we could take your advice. But for obvious reasons and with the current family situation, this is not on our current "to do" list.
If you've known us for a long time, especially since our marriage, don't you think we've had several relaxing vacations already? How many vacations do you think we need just to be able to completely rest and conceive a baby? Maybe if we've got millions of money and can have a vacation any time we want, we could take your advice. But for obvious reasons and with the current family situation, this is not on our current "to do" list.
4. "Sumayaw na ba kayo sa
Obando?" (Have you danced in Obando?) or "Nagpahilot ka na ba?"
(Have you consulted with a local midwife?)
If you're asking these questions just for the sake of asking something, it won't do us any good. Again, a married couple who haven't had a child for more than 10 years, would exert everything beginning from the most reasonable options available, in the earliest possible time. Here in the Philippines, we have a lot of different traditions which have been passed down to us. Some may be useful to certain people, but to others, no matter how hard you try to follow them, may not have the same effects.
If you're asking these questions just for the sake of asking something, it won't do us any good. Again, a married couple who haven't had a child for more than 10 years, would exert everything beginning from the most reasonable options available, in the earliest possible time. Here in the Philippines, we have a lot of different traditions which have been passed down to us. Some may be useful to certain people, but to others, no matter how hard you try to follow them, may not have the same effects.
5. "Bakit hindi kayo umatend
ng binyag / (child's name) party?" (Why didn't you attend the christening
/ child's party?)
The minute a married couple struggling to have a child didn't attend these events, please try to understand that just the mere thought of these events, pains us, for this will be added to the number of years we've missed having or organizing our own party for our own child. But then, I guess only the most sympathetic and sensitive people would know this. Sadly, there are only a few of them.
The minute a married couple struggling to have a child didn't attend these events, please try to understand that just the mere thought of these events, pains us, for this will be added to the number of years we've missed having or organizing our own party for our own child. But then, I guess only the most sympathetic and sensitive people would know this. Sadly, there are only a few of them.
I know that some people who ask or say those words above don’t mean to hurt our feelings, so I hope this article has enlightened them in some way. We are trying so hard to live as normal as any married couple can be. But we have to admit that there's something missing. We would often ask ourselves, "Why is it so easy for others to get pregnant and have a child?", but we can't. Is it something we're not doing? Do we need more vitamins or exercise… eat certain foods? Sometimes I would even ask God, "Why me?", "Am I that sinful?", “Am I not worthy of God’s blessings?”
The inability of a woman or a
couple to conceive a baby is very painful and frustrating; it can lower self-esteem,
and can also lead to depression and feelings of insecurity. People like us need
compassion the most. So instead of adding up to these negative thoughts, we
hope that you'll try and understand what we're going through…because we never
wanted to be in this kind of situation. Who does?
If you have other questions or
things that people tell you which are not on my list, please give me a comment
or a feedback. There's nothing more comforting than reading a message from
someone who's going through the same thing. Thank you guys and lots of hugs to
you!
