I never
thought I’d be able to write this but it has only been exactly four months
since that fateful incident when I lost my precious baby.
It was the
happiest Christmas season of our married life, the 2015 Holidays. It was so
unexpected. Even though we kept trying to conceive for 14 years, it never
occurred to us that it could finally happen. Especially at the time we have
discontinued our work-up with my doctors. I even used to say to myself, “I
would grow old and die without ever knowing how it feels to conceive and get
pregnant, to carry a baby in my womb.” How that single experience in itself
could complete me as a wife.
From the day
I took a pregnancy test, which showed 2 purple lines, to the time I had my
first check up and ultrasound (TVU) showing and confirming that indeed I was
with child, words couldn’t express how I’ve felt, and I believe dear husband
feels the same way. We really felt God’s blessings during those days. Few days
later, another TVU validated the miracle I had inside me for a fetal heartbeat
was already detected.
Suddenly
after a brief FB post, we were showered with greetings and well wishes from
family and friends. It was an overwhelming experience for both me and hubby. Something
that we will cherish forever.
Our Christmas
break was spent at home because Mom didn’t allow me to travel to the province
to make sure Baby and I will be safe. This was the first time we were away from
family during the New Year celebration. But we sacrificed it because we know it
will be for the good of me and the Baby. We even posted photos of us during our
simple New Year ’s Eve celebration at home. Little did I know that it would be
the first and only photos (God only knows) of myself while pregnant.
Then that
fateful day came, on the 12th of January, when I had to go to my
OB-Gyn for my regular checkup. The moment I saw the expression on my doctor’s
face while doing my TVU, I knew something was wrong. I kept praying and
convincing myself that everything will be fine. My OB-Gyn wanted me to have a
second opinion from another clinic but refused to give me the reason. I turned
cold because I know something was definitely wrong. Both hubby and I were
speechless when we left the clinic. The result of my TVU the next day proved
what I was so afraid to happen. My little angel no longer has a heartbeat. We
went back to my OB-Gyn and she confirmed that this was what she saw the day
before but didn’t want to give up easily. While she explained that a missed
miscarriage really happens to some, she emphasized that there was nothing we
can do to prevent it. I tried to force myself to stay calm, but my emotions got
the better of me, so I just let myself cry.
The days
following that tragedy were such a blur. Everything happened so fast. I told my
Mom; we’ve decided on a date for the hospital procedure; Mommy came; we managed
to celebrate her birthday a day before the procedure. 20th of
January came and my little angel was finally taken out of me thru a D&C
procedure.
Looking back
at everything that happened in the past 6 months, from the moment we were given
a Blessing, I realized I was still lucky. I’ve prayed for this for years. I’ve
almost given up hope. But in the midst of our lives’ ups and downs, He hears.
He listens. He can make things happen. And my prayer was answered. It was not
the way I’d expected it, but after all, I got pregnant. I carried a little
angel in my womb, even for a short while. And for that I’m thankful to our Lord
Jesus Christ, because He made it happen.
I don’t know
what the future brings or what God has planned for me and my husband. All I
know is that He is in control and I simply have to trust Him.
