Forgive Me

      We all have felt struggles at some point in our lives. But not all of us are brave enough to just talk it out especially when you have nobody else close to listen to you.

                The burden of infertility has taken its toll on me. And no matter how I tried to shake it off it’s still there silently haunting me.

                I’ve never been much of a talker. I would prefer staying at home, watch movies or surf the net than mingle out or socialize with people. I referred “people” because frankly I don’t even have a best friend anymore. Last time I had was back in college, but since we graduated we seldom had the chance to see and talk to each other and eventually our friendship died off.

                And then I got married. It was the first time I really fell in love with somebody. I finally found someone I could share my life with. My whole world revolved around him even when it seems our marriage was against all odds in the beginning.

                But just like any marriage, ours is not perfect. And it is because of that flaw that I wrote this article... For those I’ve hurt unintentionally. I’m hoping that you would understand where all my emotions and actions are coming from.

To My Mom

Forgive me if I still couldn’t give you a grandchild, even though this has been my dream ever since I got married. Maybe God has other plans for me, and I’m still trying to find out what it is.

To My Husband’s relatives

Forgive me if I don’t want to attend your family gatherings, such as, birthdays, christening, and other parties. Because if I did I’ll be seeing all the kids in your family, a reminder that we’re the only couple without a child. And then you will ask me again “When are you going to have your own?”.Though you don’t mean any harm, even the most simple words hurt the most.

To My Husband

Forgive me if I get angry every time you come home late at night. It’s just a wife getting worried with her husband. You could have at least sent me a text message.

Forgive me if I seem to be a control freak, but there’s just the two of us that’s why when I lose sight of you I feel lost and empty. You just have to talk to me so I can get over it.   

Forgive me if I want you to spend at least one whole day with me on a weekend, because we’ve been busy with work the whole week and that’s the only time we can be together.

Forgive me for being emotional every time you play basketball with your colleagues or cousins, because I feel that you’d rather be with them than spend time with me.

Forgive me for having these thoughts because I’m most vulnerable when I’m all alone, and I just want somebody to talk to.

To God

Forgive me if I don’t pray hard enough. There’s only so much that I can do because in the end You will decide on what will happen to me.

Forgive me if I feel that you’re not listening to my cry for help even though I know that you’re always there even in my quiet moments.

Forgive me for being jealous and envious of those that you graciously bless with a child, for during these moments I feel that you have forgotten me.

Photo credits: Carol Von Canon; deeplifequotes

WARNING: Don’t ever say these words to a childless married couple

     Of all the topics I wanted to write about, this specific one has been lingering in my mind for the longest time. Mainly because though these are just spoken words, simple comments would deeply hurt the most.

     I've summed up these comments into a list of questions and phrases that people should never say to a married couple who have been struggling to have their own child:

1. "Wala pa?" (Still nothing?), or "Ano balita?" (Any news?) 
This I guess would be the most common phrase or questions people would ask especially on a gathering, be it a birthday party, child's christening, Christmas, New Year, and any family occasion. Please understand that though your questions might not imply anything, for us who are struggling with infertility, this automatically means, "What's taking you so long?", or "Is there a problem between the two of you?", and other negative impact on us. We'd rather you keep quiet and just keep to yourselves whatever questions you have in mind.

2. "Wag mo na lng isipin, dadating din yan." (Don't think about it, it will just come) 
For a married couple especially one who have been married for more than 10 years, it's impossible to not think about it and pretend that it will just come. Believe me, I've done this strategy several times, but all of those times I failed. Everywhere you go there are families with their children, especially those cute cuddly ones, in malls, advertisements, TV, even when you're doing your regular check up with your OB-Gyn, you'll still see them. We just nod and say "yes" or "ok" to this question, but nothing can simply erase that longing that every normal married couple has. It is a part of human life. It's one of the reasons I got married in the first place, to raise a family of my own.

3. "Bakit di muna kayo mag bakasyon, para ma relax kayo, baka stressed lang kayo" (Why don't you have a vacation first, so that you can relax. Maybe you're just stressed) 
If you've known us for a long time, especially since our marriage, don't you think we've had several relaxing vacations already? How many vacations do you think we need just to be able to completely rest and conceive a baby? Maybe if we've got millions of money and can have a vacation any time we want, we could take your advice. But for obvious reasons and with the current family situation, this is not on our current "to do" list.

4. "Sumayaw na ba kayo sa Obando?" (Have you danced in Obando?) or "Nagpahilot ka na ba?" (Have you consulted with a local midwife?) 
If you're asking these questions just for the sake of asking something, it won't do us any good. Again, a married couple who haven't had a child for more than 10 years, would exert everything beginning from the most reasonable options available, in the earliest possible time. Here in the Philippines, we have a lot of different traditions which have been passed down to us. Some may be useful to certain people, but to others, no matter how hard you try to follow them, may not have the same effects.

5. "Bakit hindi kayo umatend ng binyag / (child's name) party?" (Why didn't you attend the christening / child's party?) 
The minute a married couple struggling to have a child didn't attend these events, please try to understand that just the mere thought of these events, pains us, for this will be added to the number of years we've missed having or organizing our own party for our own child. But then, I guess only the most sympathetic and sensitive people would know this. Sadly, there are only a few of them.

    
      I know that some people who ask or say those words above don’t mean to hurt our feelings, so I hope this article has enlightened them in some way. We are trying so hard to live as normal as any married couple can be. But we have to admit that there's something missing. We would often ask ourselves, "Why is it so easy for others to get pregnant and have a child?", but we can't. Is it something we're not doing? Do we need more vitamins or exercise… eat certain foods? Sometimes I would even ask God, "Why me?", "Am I that sinful?", “Am I not worthy of  God’s blessings?”

     The inability of a woman or a couple to conceive a baby is very painful and frustrating; it can lower self-esteem, and can also lead to depression and feelings of insecurity. People like us need compassion the most. So instead of adding up to these negative thoughts, we hope that you'll try and understand what we're going through…because we never wanted to be in this kind of situation. Who does?

     If you have other questions or things that people tell you which are not on my list, please give me a comment or a feedback. There's nothing more comforting than reading a message from someone who's going through the same thing. Thank you guys and lots of hugs to you!