Forgive Me

      We all have felt struggles at some point in our lives. But not all of us are brave enough to just talk it out especially when you have nobody else close to listen to you.

                The burden of infertility has taken its toll on me. And no matter how I tried to shake it off it’s still there silently haunting me.

                I’ve never been much of a talker. I would prefer staying at home, watch movies or surf the net than mingle out or socialize with people. I referred “people” because frankly I don’t even have a best friend anymore. Last time I had was back in college, but since we graduated we seldom had the chance to see and talk to each other and eventually our friendship died off.

                And then I got married. It was the first time I really fell in love with somebody. I finally found someone I could share my life with. My whole world revolved around him even when it seems our marriage was against all odds in the beginning.

                But just like any marriage, ours is not perfect. And it is because of that flaw that I wrote this article... For those I’ve hurt unintentionally. I’m hoping that you would understand where all my emotions and actions are coming from.

To My Mom

Forgive me if I still couldn’t give you a grandchild, even though this has been my dream ever since I got married. Maybe God has other plans for me, and I’m still trying to find out what it is.

To My Husband’s relatives

Forgive me if I don’t want to attend your family gatherings, such as, birthdays, christening, and other parties. Because if I did I’ll be seeing all the kids in your family, a reminder that we’re the only couple without a child. And then you will ask me again “When are you going to have your own?”.Though you don’t mean any harm, even the most simple words hurt the most.

To My Husband

Forgive me if I get angry every time you come home late at night. It’s just a wife getting worried with her husband. You could have at least sent me a text message.

Forgive me if I seem to be a control freak, but there’s just the two of us that’s why when I lose sight of you I feel lost and empty. You just have to talk to me so I can get over it.   

Forgive me if I want you to spend at least one whole day with me on a weekend, because we’ve been busy with work the whole week and that’s the only time we can be together.

Forgive me for being emotional every time you play basketball with your colleagues or cousins, because I feel that you’d rather be with them than spend time with me.

Forgive me for having these thoughts because I’m most vulnerable when I’m all alone, and I just want somebody to talk to.

To God

Forgive me if I don’t pray hard enough. There’s only so much that I can do because in the end You will decide on what will happen to me.

Forgive me if I feel that you’re not listening to my cry for help even though I know that you’re always there even in my quiet moments.

Forgive me for being jealous and envious of those that you graciously bless with a child, for during these moments I feel that you have forgotten me.

Photo credits: Carol Von Canon; deeplifequotes

Chase your Dreams

Here I go again. I can’t help it, but it’s an emotion that’s a bit hard to control.

A colleague just got back to work after a few days’ vacation abroad with her family. This is one of the many instances that constantly remind me of the things that I’ve missed. Activities I should have done before, investments that could have been started, and the list goes on. All for the reason that we need our savings to continue with my fertility treatment. But sadly, all the sacrifice has been futile up to this day.

This is where I should turn another page in my book of life and move on to the next chapter. After all, it’s always refreshing to start anew and so this is what I intend to do.

So what’s on top of my bucket list? Traveling of course! Not just locally but the opportunity to explore another country has always been my dream. I’ve always cherished the times I get to travel at a nearby town just a few hours drive from Manila. Seeing nature in all its glory will be a relaxing adventure for me and my DH. What an experience it would be to finally step on foreign ground, eat new food and meet new people.

I know we owe it to ourselves to be able to experience this one day… the sooner the better. We deserve this. Life must go on with or without a child. We just have to divert our attention and focus on what has to be done given the circumstances that we have. I’ll try and do that for this one on my list. Hopefully, once I fulfill this dream I can move on with the next one. One step at a time.

What are the things you’ve been putting off since starting your TTC journey? And when do you plan to fulfill them? We deserve to be happy, regardless of the sad situation we’re in. Let’s cheer up and go for it!

 

Photo credit: EpSos.de

  

 

How to survive married life without a child

     It is not easy to live a life filled with expectations and frustration, hopes and unfulfilled dreams, especially when you've sacrificed so much. You have so many plans when you got married, but there are uncontrollable circumstances which are preventing these plans to happen.

     I keep on reminding myself that I'm not the only one struggling with infertility, but sometimes when I'm alone at home, having a check-up in a clinic, or even when in malls, I can't help but think about it. It's hard to be in that state of mind where I feel sorry for myself, get envious of others or hate the world for something that I don't have. Each day is a struggle, a step towards surviving married life without a child.

     Just because I'm a woman, and can get too emotional sometimes, I've decided to make a list of My Survival Tips:

Have faith in God that everything happens for a reason

Prayer always does wonders especially if you have faith. Whether we like it or not, we have to accept what will happen because "You can't always get what you want". Only God knows what's in store for us and by slowly accepting reality, somewhere along the way, you will also learn your purpose in life.

Regularly express and show your love to your spouse as reassurance that you're in this together -

Let your husband know how you feel and that you appreciate his efforts. Nobody wants to feel neglected so even with your busy schedule you should always communicate. Maybe he also wants to share ideas on how to overcome your struggles and just don't know how to start. This will strengthen your marriage and get through life's hardships together.

Start a hobby of something you really love to do

Everyone has something that he or she likes. Whether it's a hobby when you were a child or one that you've recently grown fond of. Hobbies are proven to be beneficial because it's a great stress reliever. It can provide personal fulfillment, and you can also learn new things and even meet people with the same hobbies as yours.

Go out with friends or relatives as a couple

You may think that just by going out alone is helpful. But this doesn't apply to me. I get more conscious of my situation and what I don't have. In the end, I don't enjoy my time and I just miss my husband more. When you go as a couple, you have a "partner in crime" when it comes to answering inevitable questions. You will be safer especially when you have to go home late at night. And the feeling of joy and pleasure because your spouse is right there with you experiencing the same things as you do.

Participate in activities involving charity

Many of us are already busy with our work and career plans. But wouldn't it be more exciting and worthwhile if we are able to help those less fortunate? It doesn't have to be about money. But simply lending your hand in activities that would make their lives easier would be more than enough. To be honest, I haven't done this since way back in college. But if given the chance, I would do this again.

If you have the budget, take time to travel and explore different places together

This may not be applicable for everybody, but if you have extra money, traveling with your loved one also brings fulfillment. Besides seeing new places and meeting new people, this can also be an escape to relax your mind and divert your attention from the things that make you sad.

     Being married without a child doesn't have to be gloomy or depressing. We just have to make use of the life God has given, by living a meaningful life and appreciating what life has to offer.

     What are the things you do to overcome sadness & frustration of not having your own child? Let us share ideas and survive this ordeal. Send me your thoughts.



Photo credit: Fotasca; ninacoco; jonnypage   

 

My Husband: My Hero

    I seem to always talk about my experiences, my feelings and everything about me. I get so consumed by what's happening and not happening with my life that sometimes I tend to forget my significant other, the one who's been silently struggling as we deal with our infertility journey.

     I think everybody will agree that without the patience and understanding of our dear Darling Husband, we cannot go through this, even with our close family at our side.

     We've been married since 2002 and been trying since day 1. You can just imagine how painful it has been for both of us, especially when we've been hoping and praying to have a child since we got married. My husband always has a soft spot in his heart for little children.
This is actually one of the reasons why I fell in love with my guy. In my mind's eye, he would be the perfect father to our kids, if only he'd be given the chance.

     
     Beyond his love for basketball, cars, PC games, action flicks and good food, he's warmth and sincerity in all things he does and say, make him stand out above the rest. This personality of my DH gets him a lot of friends wherever he goes.

     Sure there are times when we get into squabbles and petty disagreements, which I admit are due to my oversensitivity. But we're not perfect. Every day I try to be a better version of the past me. However, oftentimes I think too much of myself and fail to see that he also has feelings and other concerns, which he usually prefers to keep to himself.

     I guess one common trait that most men have is their ability to keep cool. I often admire my husband's optimism that even if I'm at my lowest point or when disaster happens and nothing seems to work out...he can still manage to stay focused and remain positive. Someone who always reminds me to keep on hoping and never give up. Countless times, he has saved me from all these situations. Now I truly realize the true meaning of "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part".

                                                                              

     I may not say this often but to me, after all we've been through, he'll always be my best friend and shoulder to cry on, my Superman! My one & only forever Love... my Hero.

     How do you feel about your husband? Do we share the same sentiments? Would love to hear from you. 


Photo credit: S_Xurble; Falcon_33