Thank you Jesus

I never thought I’d be able to write this but it has only been exactly four months since that fateful incident when I lost my precious baby.

It was the happiest Christmas season of our married life, the 2015 Holidays. It was so unexpected. Even though we kept trying to conceive for 14 years, it never occurred to us that it could finally happen. Especially at the time we have discontinued our work-up with my doctors. I even used to say to myself, “I would grow old and die without ever knowing how it feels to conceive and get pregnant, to carry a baby in my womb.” How that single experience in itself could complete me as a wife.

From the day I took a pregnancy test, which showed 2 purple lines, to the time I had my first check up and ultrasound (TVU) showing and confirming that indeed I was with child, words couldn’t express how I’ve felt, and I believe dear husband feels the same way. We really felt God’s blessings during those days. Few days later, another TVU validated the miracle I had inside me for a fetal heartbeat was already detected.

Suddenly after a brief FB post, we were showered with greetings and well wishes from family and friends. It was an overwhelming experience for both me and hubby. Something that we will cherish forever.

Our Christmas break was spent at home because Mom didn’t allow me to travel to the province to make sure Baby and I will be safe. This was the first time we were away from family during the New Year celebration. But we sacrificed it because we know it will be for the good of me and the Baby. We even posted photos of us during our simple New Year ’s Eve celebration at home. Little did I know that it would be the first and only photos (God only knows) of myself while pregnant.

Then that fateful day came, on the 12^th of January, when I had to go to my OB-Gyn for my regular checkup. The moment I saw the expression on my doctor’s face while doing my TVU, I knew something was wrong. I kept praying and convincing myself that everything will be fine. My OB-Gyn wanted me to have a second opinion from another clinic but refused to give me the reason. I turned cold because I know something was definitely wrong. Both hubby and I were speechless when we left the clinic. The result of my TVU the next day proved what I was so afraid to happen. My little angel no longer has a heartbeat. We went back to my OB-Gyn and she confirmed that this was what she saw the day before but didn’t want to give up easily. While she explained that a missed miscarriage really happens to some, she emphasized that there was nothing we can do to prevent it. I tried to force myself to stay calm, but my emotions got the better of me, so I just let myself cry.

The days following that tragedy were such a blur. Everything happened so fast. I told my Mom; we’ve decided on a date for the hospital procedure; Mommy came; we managed to celebrate her birthday a day before the procedure. 20^th of January came and my little angel was finally taken out of me thru a D&C procedure.

Looking back at everything that happened in the past 6 months, from the moment we were given a Blessing, I realized I was still lucky. I’ve prayed for this for years. I’ve almost given up hope. But in the midst of our lives’ ups and downs, He hears. He listens. He can make things happen. And my prayer was answered. It was not the way I’d expected it, but after all, I got pregnant. I carried a little angel in my womb, even for a short while. And for that I’m thankful to our Lord Jesus Christ, because He made it happen.

I don’t know what the future brings or what God has planned for me and my husband. All I know is that He is in control and I simply have to trust Him.

Forgive Me

      We all have felt struggles at some point in our lives. But not all of us are brave enough to just talk it out especially when you have nobody else close to listen to you.

                The burden of infertility has taken its toll on me. And no matter how I tried to shake it off it’s still there silently haunting me.

                I’ve never been much of a talker. I would prefer staying at home, watch movies or surf the net than mingle out or socialize with people. I referred “people” because frankly I don’t even have a best friend anymore. Last time I had was back in college, but since we graduated we seldom had the chance to see and talk to each other and eventually our friendship died off.

                And then I got married. It was the first time I really fell in love with somebody. I finally found someone I could share my life with. My whole world revolved around him even when it seems our marriage was against all odds in the beginning.

                But just like any marriage, ours is not perfect. And it is because of that flaw that I wrote this article... For those I’ve hurt unintentionally. I’m hoping that you would understand where all my emotions and actions are coming from.

To My Mom

Forgive me if I still couldn’t give you a grandchild, even though this has been my dream ever since I got married. Maybe God has other plans for me, and I’m still trying to find out what it is.

To My Husband’s relatives

Forgive me if I don’t want to attend your family gatherings, such as, birthdays, christening, and other parties. Because if I did I’ll be seeing all the kids in your family, a reminder that we’re the only couple without a child. And then you will ask me again “When are you going to have your own?”.Though you don’t mean any harm, even the most simple words hurt the most.

To My Husband

Forgive me if I get angry every time you come home late at night. It’s just a wife getting worried with her husband. You could have at least sent me a text message.

Forgive me if I seem to be a control freak, but there’s just the two of us that’s why when I lose sight of you I feel lost and empty. You just have to talk to me so I can get over it.   

Forgive me if I want you to spend at least one whole day with me on a weekend, because we’ve been busy with work the whole week and that’s the only time we can be together.

Forgive me for being emotional every time you play basketball with your colleagues or cousins, because I feel that you’d rather be with them than spend time with me.

Forgive me for having these thoughts because I’m most vulnerable when I’m all alone, and I just want somebody to talk to.

To God

Forgive me if I don’t pray hard enough. There’s only so much that I can do because in the end You will decide on what will happen to me.

Forgive me if I feel that you’re not listening to my cry for help even though I know that you’re always there even in my quiet moments.

Forgive me for being jealous and envious of those that you graciously bless with a child, for during these moments I feel that you have forgotten me.

Photo credits: Carol Von Canon; deeplifequotes

Chase your Dreams

Here I go again. I can’t help it, but it’s an emotion that’s a bit hard to control.

A colleague just got back to work after a few days’ vacation abroad with her family. This is one of the many instances that constantly remind me of the things that I’ve missed. Activities I should have done before, investments that could have been started, and the list goes on. All for the reason that we need our savings to continue with my fertility treatment. But sadly, all the sacrifice has been futile up to this day.

This is where I should turn another page in my book of life and move on to the next chapter. After all, it’s always refreshing to start anew and so this is what I intend to do.

So what’s on top of my bucket list? Traveling of course! Not just locally but the opportunity to explore another country has always been my dream. I’ve always cherished the times I get to travel at a nearby town just a few hours drive from Manila. Seeing nature in all its glory will be a relaxing adventure for me and my DH. What an experience it would be to finally step on foreign ground, eat new food and meet new people.

I know we owe it to ourselves to be able to experience this one day… the sooner the better. We deserve this. Life must go on with or without a child. We just have to divert our attention and focus on what has to be done given the circumstances that we have. I’ll try and do that for this one on my list. Hopefully, once I fulfill this dream I can move on with the next one. One step at a time.

What are the things you’ve been putting off since starting your TTC journey? And when do you plan to fulfill them? We deserve to be happy, regardless of the sad situation we’re in. Let’s cheer up and go for it!

 

Photo credit: EpSos.de